Why Do I Always Have To Say I’m Sorry?
This issue comes up often in my life so I believe it happens to many people universally. The guilt trip of “Why do I always have to be the one to say I’m sorry and apologize? —Only me!” I once again needed resolution as for many interpersonal relationships, and so I’m sure this sounds familiar, and with that said, here’s this week’s apology letter, which this time I have decided to post publicly. Feel free to use it as a template if you might be battling such demands to be the one to apologize, especially if you are continually being put down because of a mental health condition you might have.) It sure becomes tiring. I’m sure I am not alone with the question, “Why do I always have to be the one to apologize?” It sure becomes tiring and brings upon a hurt, which feels unmendable. This is the letter itself (w/ names removed and the hateful demands and texts, etc., which I receive from such people, also not posted. I take the higher road. It’s a requirement so, here’s this morning’s mass apology to all in my circle. I’m an open book in a lot of ways, so take what you will from this and please know, you aren’t the only one. For me, it’s at least once a week. How many variations can I create of such a letter that says basically the same thing? Ugh. But again, I did it. I am proud. And if they cannot, well, I did. I win! —J.
My Sincere Apology Letter
To All Whom Are in My Immediate Personal and Medical Circle:
My behavior has been extremely inappropriate, immature, and lacked the respect you all deserve. I am really regretful for my behavior lately. I beg your forgiveness. It is and was embarrassing, but I learned that nobody deserved my poor behavior. In the future, I have every intention of curbing my thoughtless actions and learn to adjust my behavior befitting the environment and situation. I am sorry for my actions and I hope that we can put these matters behind us. [Cognitive Behavioral Therapist], I hope we can talk about all of this more on Tues. All in all, my behavior has come out of fear and it has been extremely disrespectful, ungrateful and simply wrong. I do know that I have been feeling disrespected, jealous and so forth myself with my congested mind, going through mental trauma for past couple of days due to the personal problems I believe you are familiar with. They are reflections of myself. It had just gone way out of control lately. As I so often need to say, I am sorry. Thank you. Please forgive me. And I love you all at a soul level. I hope you might understand my mental situation and will forgive me from your heart for my rude behavior towards everyone, especially within my circle and the household in general. I find myself apologizing often out of need, and always feel a constant shame within. There have been changes going on and I’ve been having horrifying traumatic nightmares. I hope you can give me yet another opportunity to reconstruct the bridges between us. I wish I could begin with such an asking you, [Spouse] to give me the privilege of taking you out for dinner but I cannot afford to financially nor am I able to leave the home that long, even more to leave the Hot Club for that matter while the trauma and honestly some uncomfortable feelings are still present so feeling a need to be able to not simply ask for your forgiveness, I just don’t think I can, honestly. [Friend], I hope we can do another podcast together, perhaps, perhaps short and brief and based on the last few days, possibly, and [Cognitive Behavioral Therapist] and [Caretaker], just that we can keep our professional and perhaps personal friendships alive. I’ve managed to get some good sleep for a few hours and if I could ask, something, while I am still quite tired, but waking up after another nap this morning on the instant feeling a need to write out an apology letter again the best I can, if you’d allow me to start fresh the best I can. I admit I have done wrong and do not feel there’s a way to fix the matters in my mind and my environment, my relationships, finances, nor my life even my livelihood and behaviors, which is difficult to admit, except if I was to be allowed to be put on a medicine similar to Thorazine, but to simply start afresh, and allow me to make my mistakes and just apologize when I can. — ([Cognitive Behavioral Therapist], I have written a 3 page letter to you which I have decided to not send at this point, since it might serve better to meet in person about it — just you and I together about its content) — I now believe I will simply copy this email to all involved as all I’ve just written seems to go for everyone. I have felt that everyone has been against me which I can understand is likely as delusional thought, I suppose my illness just doesn’t allow me to see through it. I do want to feel better and become as well as I can. I see and believe we all have flaws and make mistakes and say the wrong things. I wish it wasn’t always only me that does such wrong. I hear that it is only myself, which makes me feel such incredible shame and guilt because I can’t seem to behave right but everybody else actually and always does. It is in black and white, even some notes and texts from [Spouse], I find some miss the mark, but [Cognitive Behavioral Therapist], [Psychiatrist], [Spouse] and others, too, say that they are not out of line so I just don’t understand. It makes me so angry that all who are around me are perfect and I am beyond a real arrogant miscreant. I may not be able to stop some of my behaviors because I feel stuck. I really do believe I have nothing to lose, and so I self sabotage because I am going to be locked up at the institution in Massachusetts either way. Since I can see it happening soon, it scares me to death. I find myself apologizing often out of need and it’s always me, nobody else. [Cognitive Behavioral Therapist], this is hard for me to say but that’s the evidence that I see, all here are in fact always behaving perfectly. I feel a constant guilt, shame and jealousy within. Again, I am sorry for my actions and I hope that we can put this matter behind us.
Remember we with mental health conditions are people, not mental health problems.
I am a believer that my higher power does indeed reward every peacemaker.
And what have I been returned with from those to whom I have sent the above letter, a day later?
Nothing. Only self-congratulation and even more hurtful emails, text messages and so forth from a couple of those involved.
Thank God for anxiety medication when in need, mindfulness, and rewarding my self, feeling a huge dose of knowing I did right.
May we all remain as grounded and centered as possible, as often as possible.