There are times in Life when I have to deal with “awful” things; things I just can’t ignore. The way I cope is by giving such things all the time and attention they need, however, not one single second longer than that. I invite you to do the same.
Take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer.
Over the years in my own darkness, and even the light—all of it, especially with the losses of my family, finances and my mind (even over 1,000 hours of film and video footage I shot since I was 11) as I often bring up on The Real Me podcast, Porcelain Utopia and my documentaries, I always had hope. At one time (I think it’s in one of my other documentaries) I speak candidly, in my own ‘self-aware psychosis’ about having nothing, at least nothing “good,” and who and why I didn’t even want help, and yet, even then I always had hope. The hope began with my not knowing what I was even hoping for (perhaps a miracle, or just some relief, wanting to press the pause button of Life). From there came patience, then mindfulness, and I had the camera, which I’d look into and just talk to—talking to my then-invisible audience. Spirituality was always within and even with having schizophrenia, I had my “imaginary friends” (if that makes sense?). The ‘positive‘ symptoms (voices and hallucinations) both good and evil—the “good,” ones, the angels—they always cancelled out the “evil” ones—the good ones told me I was brilliant. They gave me brilliant ideas, many of a grandiose nature, but then again, most of my life had been rather grand and abundant.
Taking such well respected theorists (Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, and R.D. Laing’s) approach that there’s so much we don’t know about Life—that science might even suggest that such psychotic symptoms could very well be real in some way—and with all the “loss” in my Life—all and trauma for example, and the idea—not even a belief necessarily—that “everything happens for a reason…” I still couldn’t see any meaning, so I came up with my own—hope itself—the hope then became my initial purpose. It grew and changed and evolved, as with my authenticity and self identity. Lately, my self-acceptance, forgiveness of others’ actions, especially my own, and given the new way that I looked at the world—I took the leap and when I began to change the way I thought (which can be difficult with Sz) my values changed, also out of need. But in time, the miracles started to occur, just not as I had expected. Sometimes I just have to stay put and let go completely. It’s often impossible not to get caught up in the moment of negativity for me, whether I just bruised my hand on a door, or some drawn-out legal matter is haunting every minute of the day. But once I could get far enough, and start really thinking, believing and feeling simultaneously all the little clichéd quotes, like the ones I sometimes post on Porcelain Utopia and elsewhere, they’re all so incredibly true—there’s a little bit of truth in everything. Currently I’ve been choosing which things in my life I want to deal with and just doing one thing at a time, in my own way. Being true and loving for myself first, then trying to help others. Just taking care of me first. When I miss the mark, I start over.
If any of you are still struggling (I think we all are and we are all in need of healing in some way or another) I’m confident you will succeed and come out of the darkness where most of you already know is where the light is.
To some I’m just some “mental health problem” and to my best of friends and myself, I am a person. I think we all are people first. Good people, even if underneath the surface of personality. We have Love in common. I could write volumes about this, and actually I do have many movies, books, and art not online, just in the archives. Most of my varied projects, many written material are complete, just not online or in front of the public arena. More will come, in time. Then again there’s an art of leaving things undone or behind. On my last day on this earth, there will surely be lots left undone. I think that’s part of the beauty in Living.
I want my life and I have it today I received likely the greatest gifts via email—miracles. And all I want to do is spend time on my farm, with our horses, goats, donkeys, ducks, dogs, cats and bird. All I want to do is make my little music therapy tunes, my homemade iMovie and YouTube videos, and to help one of my best friends in the world who happens to have once been the most famous person in the world, he now struggles himself.
I believe I know who I am and I know what I want. I know that I change. We all change, and we survive. We get though it.
Happy travels on your own path, might you be blessed enough to find it and follow your dreams, not anybody else’s. I think it’ll make you happier, perhaps enlightened.
Again, please take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer, it’s sublime when you are able to see it that way, when you can, realistically.